The Pointlessness of Prayer

Theologically, I know that prayer is not pointless and that not a single prayer goes wasted.

Yet, I have been reluctant to pray, because everything in me fails to see the point in it lately.

Let me just run through the thoughts that have been on my mind when it comes to prayer and my personal prayer life.

It’s…complicated

Feelings and family so often are, I guess.

I haven’t logged into this in over two years. It feels pretty unfamiliar and awkward. But since I refuse to see a counselor or therapist, maybe I need to consider getting back into writing routinely, lol.

Encanto and Faith

The husband and I watched Encanto somewhat recently, and I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected to. I cried more than once. There is one song that still keeps me crying, no matter how many times I listen to it.

“We Don’t Talk About Bruno” was all over my TikTok FYP.

As the first child of immigrant parents and an older sister, “Under Pressure” definitely had relatable lyrics.

But my favorite song is “Waiting On A Miracle.” It’s no competition for me.

Easing Back In…

I’ve said this a lot in the past few years, but now, I truly feel like I might have forgotten how to do this. How to express myself, honestly and freely.

Guess we’ll see if blogging is like riding a bike.

There have been so many thoughts and emotions that I wanted to write about. So many things to process, reflect on, and share. I’ve thought about sitting down and putting all into words, many times. In the end, I was too tired. Too physically and mentally tired.

Writing is my way of thinking, reflecting, and processing. That also translates to a certain level of emotional labor. And after what feels like an unending string of crappy years, the last thing I want is more emotional labor.

A Week Later…

It’s officially been a week and it boggles my mind the way time flies by.

I don’t really know where to start, what to say, or how to say it. But, I felt like I really needed to sit and spend some time processing and sifting through everything.

A Disappointed Christian (Pt. 1)

Pastor Paul David Tripp made a Facebook post about being a disappointed Christian and everything about it spoke to where my heart has been for the past 8-10 months.

I don’t know if disappointed is the best way to describe my current condition though. But I can tell you that I am definitely dejected.

I thought about the best way to explain the current state of my faith. My faith is waning? My faith is hanging by a thread?

No, no. Those sound like inaccurate descriptions. Or perhaps, more like incomplete descriptions.

My faith is waning.. but my faith in what? My faith in God is waning.. but what about God am I losing faith in?

I don’t have complete answers, so it’s hard to give a clear explanation. Here is the best I currently got though.

I Am Wrestling Doubt

Though not surprised by the grand jury’s decision on Breonna Taylor’s case, it was definitely painful and disappointing. My heart aches for her family and friends, and my heart aches for our black and brown brothers and sisters.

It’s been tough not to feel angry at God, not just for my personal hardships, but for the disaster of 2020.

Slowly, Eventually

It feels like I was being inundated this morning with reminders of God’s unchanging, always-good character.

For the past several weeks, any messages about finding my hope in the eternal future that is to come, in God’s promises beyond this life, and remembering God’s hand would just make me angrier. I know these messages should have encouraged me and offered me some sort of peace. Instead, I found myself getting so irritated and resentful. I wanted to scream and flail and punch something.

Not Hopeful, but Still Hope-filled

Life has been difficult for awhile and March was an especially hard month, covid-19 circumstance aside (though I don’t doubt that this shelter-in-place has only made things worse). This past week was extra painful and it feels like things are going to continue to be that way for awhile.

Refrain from Anger

Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
(Psalm 347:7-8, NIV)

Let me start by fully acknowledging that anger has always been a problem of mine. Bro, I know, Trust me, I know.

But what I’ve been feeling lately? It’s not just Jane’s everyday kind of anger.